Someday...

Another level of growth. Another painful, internal struggle. I wrestle with my worth. I struggle with comparisons. I am plagued by judgments. Mainly about myself. Externalized towards others. She is beautiful and gets the attention of those around her. I fight and buck and thrash against what is. Against reality. All because I need the validation. I need the attention. I am more selfish than I ever knew. Look at ME. See ME. Validate ME. Love ME. And in this place, I am stuck. In the murk and mire. In the pit of despair. In my own personal hell. Attention seeking. Unloving. Jealous. Insecure. Is what I then become. How to change this deeply rooted part of me? This part that is not me, but has clung on so desperately, Like a leech on a leg. What to do about it? Nothing. I don’t have to “fix” myself or discover a solution to the problem. I just know that this exists within me. I take responsibility for it. There is no one to blame. I sit with it and am aware of it all. And with this awareness comes peace. Peace that in time this wounded part of me will heal. And that someday I will see the attention given to the beautiful woman and all I will feel is gratitude and love.

♥