I live in alternate realities.
In the one, I am lost and scared. I walk around always looking behind me, to make sure nothing can creep up on me. I feel closed off and closed in. My conversations are fake and I long to be alone. I feel the weight of my internal struggles and the heaviness of regret. I want to roll on the floor in agony and lash out like a tiger on the loose. I’m a wreck of emotions, of I shoulds, of I can’ts. I’m the slave, the weak follower. My mind holds me captive and directs me where to go. I feel the sadness of living without you, while simultaneously feeling the angst of you in my life. There is no answer that satisfies me and my mind runs off again, weaving its tales of betrayal and defeat. In this reality, I believe everything my mind tells me. I allow it to be my master. I lose all semblance of grace and peace. And I wilt. I shrivel up and wilt and fade; I die inside.
In the other one, I am alive and free. I walk around looking straight ahead, consciously aware of my surroundings, yet they affect me not. I am what I am and I live in total acceptance. Others also, are what they are and I attach no meaning one way or the other. I feel open and warm. My conversations are real and sincere. I feel the freedom of trust and the warmth of acceptance. I want to run around spreading love to everyone. I smile and skip and hum and laugh. And tears fall; great big tears of happy joy. There are no comparisons, no “better or worse than”. There simply IS. And what IS is perfectly okay with me. I live in a world of peace. It’s so tranquil here. No stress, no tightness, no control, no fear, no clinging. I let go in every sense of the phrase. I breath and I release, simultaneously. In this reality, I believe everything my spirit tells me. Spirit is my master and I gain true life.