My First 13 Days of Meditation – A Journal
Meditation #1 – 15 minutes
Meditation was HARD at the beginning, middle space was easier, and then was hard again. My mind wanders and roams. I think of the love I have for the world and my eyes fill up with tears. I return to my point of focus, my stomach going in and out. “For God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten son that whosoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.” The verse echoes in my mind over and over. I return to my breath and to my stomach rising and falling. “I am blessed,” I think. My eyes tear up some more. Back to my focus, back to my stomach. Blessed and fortunate to be here in Hawaii with these ladies doing this right here, right now. My leg starts to fall asleep. An itch on my face. I return to my breath, to my stomach. 15 minutes is a long time to sit, but it’s like training for a marathon. You have to practice. The more you do, the easier it becomes, I’ve decided.
Meditation #2 – 15 minutes
This meditation was easier than the first. I relaxed into it quicker and felt more comfortable. I focused on the rise and fall of my stomach and for a few moments that’s all I focused on. After a few moments, I started thinking about the insecurities I have with my stomach and how beautiful that it is this same stomach that allows me to breathe the way it does. Gratitude. Cori told us to choose words when our minds started wandering, words to describe where our mind went. I did a lot of analyzing, remembering, thinking. The past and the present came up, things that had happened and things that I project to happen. I start thinking about leading the group in a Sun Salutation and my heart starts beating faster and I get nervous. I start practicing in my head and as much as I know I’m supposed to return to my breath, I rebel. I don’t want to. I want to continue rehearsing, I need to be prepared. Finally, I return to my breath. And then, I relax again. I appreciate my breath once more and feel gratitude that I am here.
Meditation #3 – 18 minutes
Much easier to sit this time than the previous two times. My body felt comfortable, used to it almost. Early on I felt more clear and free of thoughts. It felt like waves were coming up behind my eyes, like my head was in the clouds. A very light sensation. And then I adjusted my back to sit taller, to attain better posture, and I lost it. Thoughts started coming in, but there was no judgment from me this time. It was acknowledgement/acceptance and then moving on, back to the breath. It was an overall peaceful, nice sensation. More centered and grounded for sure.
Meditation #4 – 18 minutes
Today was hard for me to meditate. The wind was blowing my hair on my face, but I refused to itch or move it away. I was uncomfortable and not as peaceful as yesterday. I wanted to quit long before the little bell went off. I noticed that my thoughts centered around judging, analyzing, and gratitude. I feel extra vulnerable because of the “Judge Your Neighbor” exercise we did where I realized that I am the pervert, the untrustworthy, can only think about one thing person. ME! Such a revealing exercise. I love seeing it, yet at the same time see how much work there is to do in me. I can no longer blame anyone else. And THAT is terrifying.
Meditation #5 – 20 minutes
I’m starting to really like meditation and to see the benefits. There is this space inside of me; a quiet, peaceful space. It is white and shining and it just is. I long to stay there longer than I do. I realize the thoughts, that simultaneously make me who I am and have nothing to do with me, crowd out this silent, peaceful place with their noise and their drama and their lies. Yet during meditation, I can go back to, if only for a moment, that beautiful and calming place. In that place, I am not in competition. I am not jealous. I am not angry. I am not sad or hurt or frightened. I simply AM. And my being shines bright as the sun.
Meditation #6 – 20 minutes
Today my mind was on the divine. Focus on my breath and then, God show yourself to me. Who are you? Are you a God of duality or a God of unity? Who is Jesus? How does he fit in? What do I believe and then breathe, breathe. And then there’s a fly on my arm, but I don’t want to move. Breathe, God, show yourself to me.
Meditation #7 – 20 minutes
I absolutely LOVE meditation. I didn’t want it to end. So peaceful, so beautiful. It dawned on me that when I had done hypnotherapy, I was going deep within myself and it felt like the direction where I would always go was in my stomach area, inside of myself. In meditation, I also go deep within myself, but the direction I go is up. Up through my head, past my eyes, up to the sky and beyond. Even as I’m focusing on the rise and fall of my stomach, I go up and up and up into the universe and all that it holds. It is absolutely remarkable and I am happy and at peace. I am connected somehow. And I am in love. ♥
Meditation #8 – 23 minutes
This is my time with God. It feels so easy and so safe. I had the experience of wanting to be held by God, but didn’t want to imagine the Christian God that I always had (the one on a throne with a beard) so instead the image that came to my mind was one of my dad. I was a child and he was holding me in his arms. The divine in him was holding me. There was no trace of his sexual vibe or constant searching eyes, only the highest part of himself, the most beautiful, loving, caring part of himself and he was holding me…his little girl. Unity consciousness believes that there is divinity in each of us. I would have to agree. “The divine in me see the divine in you and recognizes that we are all one.”
Meditation #9 -25 minutes
My mind was all over the place today. I didn’t feel as peaceful as usual. Suddenly, I had a thought of my boyfriend watching porn and specifically searching for the type of woman that would turn him on. I felt deep panic and my heart began to race and my stomach tightened. I felt myself losing control emotionally. I silently cried out, Help me! Help me! Amidst the angst, the light in the middle of my head shone brighter and became more defined. The waves billowed all around behind my eyes I began to feel some peace return to me. A small amount of peace amongst a great amount of distress. Help me, is all I can manage to get out when I am in that place.
Meditation #10 – 25 minutes
I cried during meditation today because I realized that the word ‘God’ no long makes me uncomfortable. I am with him and he is with me. Jesus said to follow him. He had the experience of being one with God. I am one with God. God is in me. I cried out of joy and out of relief. The confusion has lifted and clarity has replaced it. The crystal clear image that I had been searching for, revealed. God is unity. God is peace. God is LOVE. Anything apart from that is not God or of God. I am unity. I am peace. I am LOVE. Anything apart from that is not me.
Meditation #11 – 27 minutes
So much lightness, so much ease. A place of rest and recovery. Thoughts come by but they don’t even bother to stay around for long. They are not wanted here. Here I am free and I intend to stay free. The thoughts that imprison me can wait. At this moment, I am with the divine and the divine is with me. I am in the divine and the divine is in me. The phrase, “Purge judgment and fill me with love” kept ringing over and over again in my head. Purge judgment of myself first and this step will allow me to purge judgment of others. I desire purity within. I don’t want to be tarnished by thoughts that put down or destroy. I want to be as pure and clean as a beautifully polished looking glass, where love and life can clearly shine through out into the world and the darkness. My focus is on me, improving myself. All else can wait.
Meditation #12 – 28 minutes
This is a respite for my weary and tired soul. This communion with God, my God. Yes, a very personal and peaceful communion. The 28 minutes seemed to go by as quickly as a second and I don’t want to leave this communion with my God. Yet at the same time my body aches and longs to move and I realized I am here in a material world with God, my God. And he has given me a body and he has given me a heart and I find the balance between earth and heaven. I find a balance between eternity and the now. I find a balance between knowing and not being able to adequately express this connection to God, my God.
Meditation #13 – 20 minutes
Today was peaceful, my mind, however, was more active. It’s the last day of an incredible journey and adventure that I will never forget. I have connected with God here. I have found great peace. I have acquired tools to use when I forget the truth, when I forget this peace. Peace and love lie within me, deep within me always. My desire is to operate from a place of peace as often as I can. My desire is to love myself, to value myself, to accept myself every step of the way along this journey of life. To live big, to be bold, and the live in a state of peace. My desire is not to fix all or to know all, but to share of myself, to be a listening, compassionate ear, to love fully and deeply and to someday die a happy and profoundly peaceful woman. I will break patterns. I will heal wounds. And I will live a full life. When I forget this, as I’m sure I will at times, I will have no choice but to come back to this place to remember.